This post is suppose to be about body positive, it will start out a little negative an then move forward into the positive stuff.
This is my story and my journey of learning to love myself as well as learning to love my body.
It takes a lot to love your body no matter the size we all have issues or flaws that we don't like.
I was bullied over my weight my whole life from elementary school right up into my adult life. In elementary school I was always told I was fat and ugly because I wasn't thin like the other "pretty girls" were. I would get pushed and shoved around on the bus, kids on the bus would throw things in the car windows when my mom would come pick me up after school. Usually my mom came with a snack and a drink for me since we would be out running errands, the snacks would range from fruit, fruit snacks and the occasional cupcake. After calling me horrible names on the bus the kids would then try knocking my snack out my mom's hand by throwing things through the car window if it was down, claiming I was fat and didn't need to be eating a snack let a lone a cupcake. On a few occasions they succeeded with knocking my snack out of my mom's hand.
While most elementary aged kids were out playing, making friends and being a child I was worrying about my weight even if I rode my bike for hours after coming home from school. I spent a lot of time skipping meals or claiming I ate my lunch when I hadn't I got it an just threw it in the trash. It was horrid in the 3rd grade I started having major issues with depression because of the bullying and that is the point in my life where I decided that being 6ft in the ground would be a lot better than living in this cruel world. A child no matter how fat people think they are or how fat the child may think they are death isn't the answer.
I was called a cow, a pig, a whale ect....
If it was a ginormous animal I was called it.
I wasn't bullied just because I was fat sadly I was also bullied over my looks.
That didn't work at all the worst part of middle school was our 8th grade end of the year pool party as I have mentioned I have never been a small person. I was wearing sports bras at the age of 6-7 and I got my period in the 5th grade so with all of that I was never tiny. My frame isn't built for being tiny. I wore a T-shirt and swim shorts over my ugly one piece bathing suit while all these other girls were walking around in 2-piece bikinis.
In the 6th grade I had PE which I never dressed out or participated in I would just do poster boards or reports on sports events to earn half my PE points for not dressing out. I would sit on the fence or at the picnic tables while everyone would play basketball, football, softball whatever the sport of the week was. I was ashamed of my body because everyone would stare at me an make comments so I rather barely pass PE than to dress out in the locker room where everyone could see my naked body aside from my panties and my bra. I was ashamed of a part of me that shouldn't have been.
Sophmore year came around an things snowballed I dealt with a teacher who tried holding me to the "standards" of my sister which is funny because she failed most of her classes and dropped out of high school. This teacher worshiped my sister and absolutely hated me because I wasn't perfect, I will add this teacher was a lesbian and super close to my sister. My sister was the skinny one with the dirty blonde hair an a somewhat cute build. This teach bullied me over anything she could especially when it came to me missing tons of school when my mom was in the hospital in critical conditions. Some of the desks throughout my school career didn't "sit right" for a FAT person so often times I would sit sideways an my feet would be in the aisle an when I would explain that the desk was cutting into me I was simply told that isn't our fault. I started skipping meals again, asked my mom to get me Slim Fast so I could have them for breakfast and lunch. I started the Slim Fast and I didn't dropped anything but myself right in the bed after having nothing but Slim Fast Shakes for several days in a row with no other food. I came home from school walked in my room to change, I blacked out an fell luckily for me I landed on my bed. That was the end of Slim Fast Shakes for me.
My Junior and Senior years were a little better because I was in name brand clothes Justin Boots and Wrangler Jeans. I wasn't bullied so much over my clothes those years it was my weight again by people who were WAY bigger than I was which is something I could never understand at all.
I have been in several relationships and most of the guys I have dated were on the heavier side and bigger than myself but they knew what to say to get to me, to hurt me and break me. Throwing my weight in my face will do it for sure so when arguments would happen I was a "FAT Bitch or a FAT Whore" they always had make sure the word FAT was in there. Things would go back to "normal" and I would be the most perfect thing they had ever laid eyes on. With every breakup came the body shaming and the bullying that my FAT body wasn't good enough but it was PERFECT when it was giving them their every want, need and desire so why was it all of a sudden different?! My self esteem went through the tubes BIG TIME especially after my failed marriage followed up by what I was hoping to be my final relationship with my life long partner whether we married or not. Things there fell through the cracks just like with most relationships before I was lied to, cheated on and eventually left for some woman who was smaller than I was. When you are left an told that you are "FAT" and no one would ever love you because you were "FAT" among many other reasons it makes it hard for you to find your self esteem and confidence again.
I was reviewing for a company who I use to get all of my lingerie for free, I started a fetish with sexy, frilly, girly stuff which was never really me but it made me feel sexy, cute, beautiful and gorgeous when I put it on. When my relationship after my marriage fell apart I ended up getting into a relationship with my current partner who I met through our line of work, we worked for the same company at the time we met. I was wearing camo pants and one of my blood donor shirts hair tossed up in a ponytail, 5th wheel grease on me looking like a straight up train wreck or so I thought. At that moment my then co-worker was trying to get my trainer to trade off trainees as he wanted me on his truck. I kindly declined as I was "happily taken" and we went on about our merry ways. Several weeks later I was walking through the warehouse parking lot going back to my rig I was wearing my blood donor shirt and a pair of jean shorts an my now partner stated that I couldn't walk around truckers dressed that way. I said "Um.....I am a trucker?!" Well we all chatted it up a bit before climbing in our rigs an heading off to deliver our loads. Once my training was done and my now partner then co-worker knew I was off my trainer's truck an I was home he contacted me as a friend on Facebook, we exchanged numbers and talked. I was still in a relationship that was falling apart rapidly but we kept it all as friends even though he made it known he was into me. Once my relationship I was in fell completely apart I was destroyed, damaged and completely broken I didn't see life going that direction. When J & I broke up I was called every name in the book from being a FAT Bitch to a FAT Whore who would never be loved. I moped around, cried a lot, my self esteem gone, my confidence nowhere to be found and I turned to C and he told me that I was NONE of those things that J or any of my other exes had called me. C and I became a couple he started to build me up the way the others came in and played "Mr. Superhero" and then tore me down so I backed away a bit afraid the same would happen. C and I would argue because I wasn't eating and when I did it wasn't much of anything at all.
I gained weight rapidly even when I started eating normally and trying to eat right but the weight just kept coming. Finally it showed up on blood work that I had a thyroid condition Hypothyroidism which contributes to weight gain or it being harder to lose the weight. When my levels were balanced out I dropped weight easier when they were off balance I gained like crazy this has been a never ending vicious cycle for almost 2 years.
My job there was short lived an I was okay with that it was time to start learning to love me again after being torn down by my Service Manger.
An the journey of loving myself began once again. My partner was still head over heels for me every roll, every stretch mark and every pound he would kiss and caress every chance he got.
Plus Size is Sexy
Skinny is Sexy
Chunky is Sexy
Anyone at ANY size can be SEXY!!!
This post is suppose to be positive an while some of it okay a lot of it is negative it brings out the fact that I am now becoming more body positive and loving myself more. I request lingerie or bikini pieces that are meant to fit someone who is by far WAY smaller than I am but I make it work.
Embrace your body & love it! If you ever feel that you need a boost of confidence drop me a line I am always open to talk about weight and health related stuff. I have tons of other medical problems that contribute to making weight come and stay or come without leaving so easily.
In all honesty this is a post I have been working on for a week or two this is the most open I have been about my life outside of my experiences with sex toys in my blog.
I love me & you should too!!